The Writers
by Quantum Cross Ranger
Summary: How is SVU made? Who controls the story? How do the characters feel? All be answered in this fanfic! Rated T for Teen mainly because the first chapter is about making an orgy, but there is nothing graphic happens, it's just mentioned.
1. Plan 9 from the Writers

Chapter 1

Plan 9 from the Writers

..I don't own anything...

In the criminal justice system, sexually based offenses are considered especially heinous. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad known as the Special Victims Unit. These are their stories.

-chung chung-

...Okay, to mix things up, we're gonna skip the first part of the episode and move straight on to the opening music.

Play opening music.

Benson: Hey, wait a minute. How come we don't get cool music like Criminal Intent does? I mean, we're the highest rated Law & Order of the entire franchise, and we're stuck with the loser intro music?

Stabler: Don't try to understand, Olivia. We're just lowly... whatever we are.

Benson: Oh come on, that 'new' opening for Criminal Intent was from Trial By Jury! That's like saying TBJ never existed!

Stabler: Come on, Olivia, we have to let the show get started.

Benson: I dunno, Stabler. This doesn't just doesn't seem right. I mean, doesn't this break the law of not using opening songs from other tv shows on your own show?

Stabler: You know that only Japanese anime follows that law. Besides, who's going to enforce it, the theme song police?

Benson: It's too bad TBJ got canceled.

Stabler: What, do you want to use the Conviction theme song? They got canceled too!  
Benson: No, no, that's okay.

The rest of the SVU squad: GET ON WITH IT!

Benson: Eep!

-chung chung-

The Awesomely Cool World of the Writers  
Time and Date Incomprehensible to Mortals

"So, we need to shake up the Law and Order SVU story. We've alienated our fans by getting Elliot back with his wife. Have any ideas?" The higher up writer for SVU asked his slightly lower compatriot.

"Well, I was thinking, since we've been working really hard recently to reignite the whole Elliot/Olivia pairing and then completely destroyed it by having Elliot get back with his wife, I was thinking, well, why don't we appeal to all the other pairings as well? We should do a mass orgy with all the past and present main characters."

The higher writer looked stunned. "Are you crazy? We wouldn't be allowed on TV after that! Think of what the parent's groups would say!"

"I know, I know, but, this show airs after 10pm, so obviously it isn't for little kids! And besides, it would help our ratings. Other shows have had trans-gendered characters, so why can't we have a huge orgy?"

The higher writer stopped to think. "That's a good point. I like the orgy. How would we fit that in the story?"

"I was thinking we'd have a dream sequence, and-"

"Hold on." The higher writer said, stopping the lower writer. "A dream sequence? What do you think this is, a soap opera or something?"

"Oh, give me a break. We've been having voice-overs by the characters, and we even saw from Elliot's point of view when he was in the hospital after that schizophrenic poked him. So, I figure eventually SVU will have dream sequences and flashbacks, so, why not jump the gun and start now?" The lower one replied.

"Flashbacks huh?... I thought we'd leave that stuff to Cold Case... Well, okay, sounds good to me. So we'll make this orgy thing a dream sequence?"

"Yeah, and we have to get all the old main characters that have been kicked off and sent to the void to be in this thing too."

"Er, okay. Sounds like a plan. Get that plan to lowly writer in the cell 85, he's been complaining about those voice-overs."

"Will do!" 

-chung chung-

SUV Squadroom

Olivia felt a shiver run down her spine, and she stopped writing and shivered.

"Hey, are you okay?" Elliot asked.

"Yeah, yeah. I just had this horrible feeling I was going to do something I really regret later." Olivia said, and continued working. 

-chung chung-

SVU Squadroom  
One day after the dream sequence

"Hey, where is everyone?" Huong asked, coming into the squad room.

"Yeah, I have no idea what's going on, but everyone called in sick, so I guess I'm in charge today." Generic office person replied. "And Generic detective 1, 2, and 3 are going to be working with us today."

"Okay." Huong replied. "I had the strangest dream last night... on second thought, I'm calling in sick too. See ya." 

-chung chung-

To be continued

Lines from next week's episode:  
"I feel so emo!"  
"I'm Canadian, eh?"  
"DIE LOG DIE!" 


	2. The Great Will of the Macrocosm

Chapter 2

The Great Will of the Macrocosm

... I don't own SVU or Law and Order...

In the criminal justice system, sexually based offenses are considered especially heinous. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad known as the Special Victims Unit. These are their stories.

-chung chung-

Benson: DIE LOG DIE!

Stabler: ...why'd you say that?

Benson: I dunno, I guess when you get the urge, you just gotta do it, right?

Stabler: I guess...

Play Theme Song  
...Olivia, any objections?  
Benson: No, no, I'm good.  
...Okay

-chung chung-

SVU Squadroom  
Three weeks after the dream sequence

Things were strange with the squad. Some of them felt like they were scarred for life. Huong had just returned from a trip three days ago and had been acting kinda weird.

"Hey, Huong, you okay? I mean, ever since you were gone for those three days, you've been acting kinda weird..." Cragen asked, copying what the narrator had just said.

"No, no, I'm fine. Really." He said, and then he started to shake. "I gotta go potty. Be right back."

He ran out and almost hit Olivia. "Hey, what's bugging him?" she asked as he ran past.

"I have no idea. Make sure you get that paper work done." Cragen said, before going into his office to offer some licorice as penance for copying what the narrator had said.

"Hey, Elliot, do you know what's bugging Huong?" Olivia asked, sitting down and pulling out some work.

"Don't you know?" Elliot asked, looking up from his work.

"Obviously not, or else I wouldn't be asking you!"

"Sorry. Anyway, you what happens when a main character isn't on an episode?"

"Uh, no. I've been in every episode, you dummy."

"Don't be so mean!" Elliot said, tears welling up in his eyes. "Anyway, main characters go to the void when they aren't in an episode."

"What's the void?"

"I have no idea. I just know that it exists."

"Wanna find out?"

"Yeah, I'll just blow off the paper work until I don't wanna walk around." Stabler replied, and they left the precinct.

-chung chung-

The Awesomely Cool World of the Writers  
Time and Date Unconbrehensable to Mortals

"Hey, hey! Stabler and Benson are trying to find out about the void! What should we do?" The lower writer said worriedly to his superior.

"Let's stick them in jail." The higher replied, not pausing from his work.

"Why? How could we justify that?" The lower one asked.

"It's a cop show, we don't need a justification!" The higher one snapped. "But... just say they're in contempt of court for not finishing their paper work."

-chung chung-

Random Jail

New York City

"How did we get here again?" Stabler asked his partner.

"I think we were picked up by some white gloved hands and just put here! But that doesn't make logical sense!" Olivia whined.

"Nothing makes sense. There's no point to anything. In fact, it wouldn't even make a difference if I just killed myself right now." Stabler said, sighing. "I'm SO emo!"

Benson stared. "What?"

"You know, when you gotta say something, you just gotta."

"...I guess so..."

"Hey, you guys wanted to know about the void?" The random person in jail asked.

"How did you know we wanna know about the void?" Benson asked.

"It's cause I'm Canadian, eh?" He replied.

Benson and Stabler looked confused. "Erm, okay. So what's the void?" Benson asked.

"I'll tell you, but you gotta keep it down! Basically, main characters are sent there when they aren't in an episode. And once you're there you have to watch 4Kids episodes of One Peice, Yu-Gi-Oh! and Pokemon."

"That's worse then torture!" Benson cried, forgetting that she was supposed to be quiet. "Oh, sorry."

Then, a cop came to their cell. "Okay, you police people, you can go, someone ate the notebook that said why you were taken in." He said, opening the cell. Benson and Stabler, very happy, linked arms and skipped out joyfully. Then the police officer stepped into the cell and closed the door. "Unlike you, Mr. I'm-Not-Supposed-To-Say-Anything-PrisonGuy, you get to enjoy some complementary 4Kids Entertainment." The officer said, smiling evilly and pulling out a portable tv that had the 4Kids Yu-Gi-Oh! on.

"NOOOO!!!" He cried, and then disappeared into the void because his role in the series was over.

...Or was it?

To eventually, probably in a week or two, be continued

NEXT CHAPTER:

Some people talk. Some things happen.

Okay, seriously.

The fight between the writers and the members of SVU reaches fever pitch (already?!) when Casey goes against her character guidelines.

Someone. Might. Die.

Okay I'm just kidding. No one's gonna die. Yet.

Also, I made references to a bunch of shows/parodies. I don't own them either.


	3. ThisEntireSituationHasBeenQuiteStressful

Chapter 3

This Entire Situation Has Been Quite Stressful

...I don't own SVU or Law and Order...

In the criminal justice system, sexually based offenses are considered especially heinous. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad known as the Special Victims Unit. These are their stories.

-chung chung-

Casey was walking down the street. She saw some pretty red shoes. She had to try them on, they were so pretty...

No, I can't, she thought. It clearly states in Section 7 of the Character Manual that a main character can't go against pre-established fact on her character. It's pre-established that I'm a badass character. But the shoes stared at her. Called her name.

I'VE GOTTA TRY THEM ON!! She thought, rushing in.

-play theme song-

She sat in the store, as the attendant brought out the pair of shoes.

"Oh, I'm sorry, these shoes are two sizes too small, and they're the biggest size we have." The attendant said, looking sad.

"It's okay! It's just shoes!" Casey said, smiling and going back to work. I love being nice and not rudely snapping at the store employees! It reminds me of my youth... ah, my wonderful youth.

-chung chung-

The Awesomely Cool World of the Writers  
Time and Date Incomprehensible to Mortals

"Boss! Boss!" The higher writer cried as he ran towards the NBC executive. "We've got a big problem!

"What is it?" The NBC executive asked, sighing. Don't have better things to do with my time then bother with writers? Can't I go do something.. fun? Like swim in my really big, heated swimming pool? Or eat lots of ice cream? What a terrible life I have, he thought.

"Well, Casey Novak from Law and Order SVU just went to try on shoes, and when she found out that her feet were too sizes too small, she didn't go postal on the employee! She just thanked her and left!"

"Oh no." The NBC executive said, anger clear in his face. "I'll deal with it right away. It's time to reign in these detectives on SVU who think they can cross me... and live..."

"You're going to kill them?" The writer said, now scared.

"Oh, what? Did I just say I was going to kill them? Ooops, I always get ahead of myself. I'll... deal with them..."

-chung chung-

16th Precinct

Casey was walking towards the squad room. Then, someone who was short stopped her.

"Hey, you're Casey Novak! The tall person! You, you monster!" The short person cried. "I've been in the void from almost nine years, since they dumped in there after they decided they weren't going to have short female characters as main characters on SVU. I'm... I'm gonna kill you!" She cried, and pulled off her red high heels.

"What, seriously? You're gonna kill me?"

"You bet!" She replied, high heel firmly in her hand, preparing to strike.

"Hey, those look familiar...are those the shoes from the store?" Casey asked, completely forgetting about the peril her life was in.

"Oh, yeah!" She said, smiling. "They were on sale too!" The shorter woman replied.

"Wow, I always have a hard time finding the sales." Casey said, admiringly.

"Oh, well you should come shopping with me and I can help you find the deals!" The short woman said.

"Hey, sounds great!"

"But you'll have to do that after I kill you."

"WHAT?! That doesn't seem logically possible!" Casey yelled and the girl stabbed Casey's palm with the heel of the shoe.

"Tee hee! Revenge is sweet!" She yelled and ran away, forgetting to give Casey the mortal blow.

-chung chung-

SVU Squadroom

Elliot sat, typing away. He had recently constructed a device to help with his work. Of course he remembered to turn off the soldering iron.

Didn't he?

He turned, and there it was, on fire, and the computer beside it was ablaze as well.

"Four! I mean, fire!" He screamed, and then realized no one else was in the squad room. He grabbed the phone but couldn't remember how to dial to the outside line.

"Oh no! Oh, I know what I'll do, I'll send an email to the FDNY." He said to himself, sitting down at the computer and typed:

Subject: Fire

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am writing to inform you of a fire that has broken has broken out at the premises of-

No, no, that sounds too formal, he thought. He started again.

Dear Sir/Madam,

Fire!  
Fire!  
Help me!

123 Policington Road.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

All the best,

Elliot Stabler

Yeah, that's good, he thought, sending it off. Ah, I'm glad I can take care of things, he thought, as he went back to his paperwork.

-Two minutes later-

Olivia ran in and saw the fire. "The weirdest thing just happened FIRE! "

"Yeah, yeah, I took care of it." Elliot said, not batting an eye.

Then the Fin ran in, looking scared like a little kid. "The NBC executive is coming... Hey, what's up with the FIRE?! HELLO?"

"Hey." He said, standing up. "I'm a little upset with the lack of respect that I'm getting. I've taken care of it, geez! He said, annoyed.

"Well, what are we going to do? The NBC exec is coming and the office is on fire, and Casey is bleeding to death!" The Captain said, dragging a bloodied Casey behind him into the squad room.

"I don't know if it's the burning plastic or the loss of blood, but I feel great!" She cried, before lapsing into unconsciousness.

"I know! I'll use my womanly ways to get him to stop!" Olivia cried, running and standing near the door.

The NBC exec walked by.

"Oh, Mr. Executive-"

"Your womanly ways don't work on me," He said, angrily, pushing her aside. He walked in, but didn't notice the fire.

"Alright, you guys have had it good, going against the rules that we writers set up for you to live by, but now, now it's time to reign you in. From now on, you'll-"

THIS CHAPTER IS NOW CANCELLED DUE TO THE 2007 WRITERS'S GUILD STRIKE

"WHAT?!" The NBC screamed.

HEY, I SAID IT WAS CANCELLED!

To be continued...

This episode is a huge, big shout-out to episode two called "Calamity Jen" from the British tv show "The IT Crowd", it's really awesome, apparently it's coming to the US via a remake from NBC... but I have no idea about that. It's being shown on G4TechTV in Canada Sundays at 9pm Eastern and Monday's 8pm Eastern. If you don't have that channel, send me a message and I can tell you where to see it.

Also, I know that Casey has compassion and such. Don't flame me for the badass thing, it's just been in my head for a while and I need to get it out tee hee

Also, mandatory safety notice: Please make sure you have working fire alarms in every floor of your home. And know the number of the emergency services in your area. And how to dial to the outside line.

Finally:

...I don't own The IT Crowd...


	4. Give Me Licorice or Give Me Death

...I don't own SVU or Law and Order...

...Fair Use, Parody thus I am not breaking any laws so don't shut me down pretty please with sugar on top...

Chapter 4

"Give me licorice or give me death"

The Awesomely Cool World of the Writers  
Time and Date Incomprehensible to Mortals

Cragen was led into a room. In it were some strange looking people with suits.

"Welcome to the Dark Room, Captain Cragen." One of them said to him, motioning to sit down.

"Thank you. Do they call this place the dark room because it's so dark?" He asked, wondering why they forgot to turn on the lights.

"No, this is where we develop our pictures." The exec said, pointing to the people in chains that were developing pictures.

"Oh... So, what did you want?"

"Well Captain, we've been having major problems since this Writers Strike has been going on so long. So we wanted to strike a deal.

"What sort of deal?" He asked, hoping it would involve him getting licorice.

"Well, Captain, we have confidence in our own writing ability, with most of us having years of experience in the television industry. We want to write some episodes for SVU in order to keep the series going."

"I see. Well, what's in it for us?"

"Well, we can turn the last... incident... into a dream sequence. If you don't like the new episodes, we can turn them into a dream sequence." The producer said. Cragen shivered, the previous incident that had happened would had likely gotten them all fired, and Cragen would probably lose his pension. And that would make him cry.

"I'd want to start over from the end of our scuffle."

"Of course." The person said, lying back in his chair.

"I'm not if this is a good idea. I mean, let's face it, you guys look out for yourselves, any person who takes a politics class knows that the media manipulates its consumers in order to facilitate a certain agenda."

"We wouldn't dream of doing that to you, Cragen. We're friends, aren't we?" The person said, now leaning forward.

"I don't know you!" Cragen said, now getting annoyed. "I have to look out for my squad, and this may not be in their best interest."

"Well, being in limbo can't be good either! I mean, let's face it, your lead detective started a major fire, your other detective tried to seduce one of my underlings, and your ADA is about to die. I mean, I could just kill you all off now, because of smoke inhalation!"

"Touche." He replied.

"Alright, I'll make the deal a little sweeter for you." The mysterious person said, and then motioned with his hand to someone who was apparently behind him. The person brought forth a paper.

"This contract states that your office will have an unlimited supply of licorice, and that your character will never grow tired of eating licorice. Even if you decide to stop using the producer written episodes.

Screw the squad! "I'm in." Cragen said, smiling wickedly.

BEGIN EPISODE

In the criminal justice system, sexually based offenses are considered especially heinous. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad known as the Special Victims Unit. These are their stories.

-chung chung-

"Whoa, what a weird dream." Casey said, waking up in her room, looking at her unbloody palms.

-play theme song-

Some place randmly outside

"What do we have?" Stabler asked, walking towards a covered, dead body.

"A dead body." Warner said, annoyed about missing the new epsiode of the newest NBC show.

"How many times have you used that line?" He demanded.

"Not that many... have I?" She said, now worried.

"Whatever. So, do we know what killed the person?"

"Yes. It was an evil writer."

"How do you know that?"

"Well, she was stabbed to death with a pn."

"That's it?" He asked.

"That's what teh script says."

"Well then, I guess we have to look for a rabid writer." He said, deciding to look for his partner.

"Alright then, I'll have more information when I get this body to the lab."

"Sounds good. Latr."

"Yuppers." She said. What did I say? Yuppers? Who is writing this stuff?, she wondered.

The Lab

"Hey Elliot, how's it going, dude?" Warner asked.

"Say what?!" Benson replied.

"Just tryin' to fit in with the youngsters. Because I'm pretty hip.

"Right... so what do we have here?"

"Well, we found ink in the person's heart it's standard issue writer's ink so we know that the person has to be a writer probably for a big kind, very generous tv corporation so we know that this person is evil not to be a slave to the corporation's will."

"Where did taht come from? And what's with the run-on sentence?" Benson asked.

"I dunno, but that"s what the script says." Warner said.

"This is a weird script. Let's go back to precinct." Stabler said.

16th Precinct

"So, we have a dead body that was killed by an evil writer. We know this because we found a blood covered pen at the scene of the crime;" Stabler reported to the group.

"Did we get a DNA analysis on the blood? Do we know the blood is the same type as the dead person's?" Benson asked.

"Also, how was a dead body killed by anybody? It was already dead to begin with!" Dr. Huong said, now confused. Who is writing this stuff, anyway?

"Uh... the blood analysis thingy is on my to-do list." Stabler stammered.

"Is thingy - even a word?" Novak wondered.

"What's up with the badd spelling anyway?" Munch wondered. "It haus to be a conspirasy!!"

"At least I don't have bad spelling." Novak said. "I'm a lawyer?"

"But you have bad punctuation! Ha! Wait, why are you heer?" Benson asked. "We don't need u to do any of our diiirty work yet!"

"What did you say." Novak asked, but for some reason, couldn't sound angry. They all looked at Cragen, who was chewing away at some licorice. "You had something to with this?." She demanded.

"No... why would be thinking that?" He asked, still eating.

"Well, you're the only one without bad spelling, or punctuation, or has bad lines. So it has to be you!" Lake said. "Right?"

"Right." Stabler said, patng him on the head.

"It was the writers! I swear!" Cragen said.

"What's going on here, Cragen? We know the writrs(INSERT: WRITRS ARE EVILLL!!) wouldn't do this to us!" Fin said, now angry.

"Okay, okay! I'll get this fixed, just don't take my licorice!" He said, scurrying off.

"Let's burn his licorice as a sacrifice to the narrator." Benson said. Stabler smiled evily. Fire is good, he thought.

The Awesomely Cool World of the Writers  
Time and Date Incomprehensible to Mortals

"Why are you here, Cragen?" A producer said, as Cragen rushed in.

"The scripts you gave us are horrible! The plot is stupid, and the spelling and grammar are horrible! I want to go back to the way things were!" Cragen said.

"I thought we had a deal, Cragen." The producer said, clenching his fists.

"That's before you gave us crap scripts. And you gave me sour licorice." Cragen said, angrily.

"I see, well, then, we'll have to leave your squad back the way it was, before the strike. I hope they can last that long in limbo."

"Well, of course they can. Time isn't passing in their dimension, if they're in limbo, duh."

"How did you know that?" The producer said, standing up.

"You know these things when you're a Captain." Cragen said. If only Munch were here, this is one crazy conspiracy, Cragen thought.

"Well, fine, we'll return your squad to their limbo state." The producer said. "And I'll be taking the licorice with me."

"What, no! We had a deal!"

"We had a deal, Cragen. You've disappointed me, I thought you could be a producer someday."

"Not if it means going back on my word!" Cragen replied.

The producer smiled evilly. "Come to the dark side, Cragen, we have licorice."

TO BE CONTINUED...

Thank you all for your kind and wonderful comments! I treasure every one like my children... okay no I don't but I loves them so much. Please keep on leaving reviews and comments, and I appreciate it so dearly and I will try my best to get back to you with salutations of exaltation or answers to whatever questions you may or may not ask. That's right, I'll answer questions before you even ask them. That's how awesome I am (NOT!) :D

I wrote this during the writers strike, but not wanting to capitalize on the thing, and I didn't post it... or maybe I was just too lazy to post... yeah my apologies on that one.  
The next chapter will bring us back to the plot... if there ever was a plot

And if you didn't notice, the spelling and grammar errors were on purpose.


End file.
